


Tale of Houses Four ~ the Every Flavor Beans version

by Lilian_Cho



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans, Candy, Canonical Character Death, Crack, Food, Food is People, Gen, Humor, Jelly Beans, M/M, Muggles, Multi, One Shot, Pictures, Post - Half-Blood Prince, Wordcount: 500-1.000, Written in 2006, crossed out words, food fic, food pictures, foreigners, sorting jelly bellies while watching anime, went through 2/5 of a Costco jar, written by a Gryffinclaw bean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-13 00:51:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1206733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilian_Cho/pseuds/Lilian_Cho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>bean/bean, PG-13 for <s>gayness</s> warped worldview, 550 words with pictures.</p><blockquote>
  <p>Gryffindor beans get a bigger, unique bowl <s>due to discrimination</s> because they are spehshul.</p>
  <p>That green speckled bean is one Harry Potter, who <s>was a liar and in denial that he belongs in Slytherin bowl</s> chose to be in the Gryffindor bowl because of <s>UST with Draco</s> two boys that he met on the train.</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	Tale of Houses Four ~ the Every Flavor Beans version

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gelsey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gelsey/gifts).



> This was a birthday fic for Gelsey.  
> Thanks to Ruien for calling out my attention to the white beans in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl.  
> Once upon a time there was a Russian translation, but the link is now broken ;__;

**This public message was brought to you by _Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans_**

**Hogwarts beans**

The Gryffindor is higher than everybody else because ~~Gryffindors lord over the Wizarding society in England~~ Gryffindors live in a tower.

**Gryffindor beans**

Gryffindor beans get a bigger, unique bowl ~~due to discrimination~~ because they are spehshul.

That green speckled bean is one Harry Potter, who ~~was a liar and in denial that he belongs in Slytherin bowl~~ chose to be in the Gryffindor bowl because of ~~UST with Draco~~ two boys that he met on the train. After living for years in the spehshul Gryffindor bowl, he has started ~~contracting Gryffindor-itis~~ manifesting honorable Gryffindor traits.

The white beans are ~~bland dolts without personality~~ coconut beans (signifying their laid back personality) whom the hat figures would fit perfectly into the Gryffindor bowl because ~~Gryffindor beans are all gullible lacklusters anyway~~ Gryffindors are filled with leader beans who can show these coconut beans the way to ~~d00m~~ glory.

**Slytherin beans**

Slytherins are the bad beans. Amazingly enough, their numbers are higher than Ravenclaw beans, proving that there are more ~~prejudiced ignoramus~~ Purebloods than ~~snotty know-it-alls~~ geniuses.

Those yellowish beans are Crabbe and Goyle, ~~who love Draco v. much indeed~~ whose ~~Hufflepuffian~~ loyalty is v. commendable indeed.

**Ravenclaw beans**

Ravenclaws are the brainy beans. There are so few of them because ~~the rest of the world are idiots~~ learning has taken a backseat in modern day society. Ravenclaw beans love to roll around with coffee beans in one huge insomniac ~~orgasmic~~ intellectual discussion.

That speckled bean is Luna Lovegood, who is her own bean. Other Ravenclaw beans are wary of her because she hangs out with radishes instead of coffee beans.

**Hufflepuff beans**

There are as many Hufflepuff beans as Gryffindor beans. This is because Gryffindors need beans to sacrifice in their ~~holy war~~ struggles against the Dark Lord.

Hufflepuff beans sleep on top of one another because ~~they engage in multiple orgies a week~~ there aren't enough room in the Badger hole. They are all ex-members of the Cedric Diggory harem. ~~Graveyard soil did not agree with Cedric's complexion and so he died.~~ Cedric died ~~while getting distracted by the shiny Triwizard Cup~~ heroically.

~~Dumbledore bean let Cedric bean meet his death so that Harry bean can take over the Hufflepuff Harem and lead them to bean victory. Curse you, Dumblie bean, for taking away such a hot bean from us.~~

**Foreigner beans**

Hogwarts is ~~a racist institution that belongs in the Middle Ages~~ the center of the bean universe, and so there are v. few foreigner beans around. Observe how cramped their living arrangements are compared to Hogwarts.

Foreigner beans are purple because ~~they're gay~~ ~~purple is teh pretteh~~ their blood circulation is v. poor, due to their close proximity to Veelas and Vampires.

**Muggle beans**

Contrary to the beliefs of ~~Weasleys~~ D.E.s, Muggle beans are also beans. They're not lollipops. They're not chewing gum. Our less privileged counterparts are also beans, ladies and gentlemen.

Muggle beans are brown because ~~their magic-less blood is sluggish like mud~~ they farm in the sun and get brown and leathery all over. At least, that's what Seamus bean told us. Hermione bean begged to differ, but ~~nobody likes a know-it-all.~~ Seamus bean's argument is v. compelling.  


**Author's Note:**

> [ [LJ](http://lilian-cho.livejournal.com/53558.html#cutid1) ]


End file.
